Balicaoao

coldness of air embraces us
with fireflies watching in front,
resembling the random flickers
from the streetlights of Kabankalan.

the coldness warms us
like old conversations,
over bottles of
Red Horse Beer and chicken skin.

above us-
the same stars puncture the sky
as if rewinding scenes of
friendship, regrets, and love.

minutes before the pta.tay-tay blues

the warmth of the afternoon sun
gives rhythm to the dance
of five peso coins in the dashboard
while you find comfort against
the newly upholstered leather seat
of a two month old L-300.
flashes after flashes,
thoughts clouded your mind
as if mimicking the angry blow
of dust from the unfinished road
widening project and stained patches
of your black backpack.


you always anticipate this phase
but before dusk you were
expecting something new,
aside from sadness.

Tourniquet

i remember how it was
and your steady grip
that tightens with
every moment
of fear or happiness.
you even said
that plain understanding
and compromise
will do the trick
and all of this
is nothing but
temporary compression.
but then i defer
with fear
because your grip
proves you wrong.

***
…and in the end we choose
to let it go like the view
of a prominent vein without
the pressure of tourniquet

sagbot overdose

multicolored candy wrappers, tinapa scented cellophanes, rotten fallen leaves, empty bottles of tropicana twister,econo foil packs stained by soy sauce and vinegar, brown bag with barely bitten pandesal, unclassified leftovers in paper plates, sticks of nicotine,piled bottles of red horse beer, burned up mary jane, plastic sachets with traces of methamphetamine, melamine rich milk products,monosodium g plus minola o, her excellency, his majesty, the unhonorables, their unholiness, presidential pardon kay teehankee, killing view in mindanao, rise and fall of gasoline, papogi rock,overpopularized emo lyf-istayl, gold album ni gretchen barreto, teledrama adaptation sang pelikula ni ate shawe, heavy drama scenes of sam milby,political ambitions of manny p., ‘let’s help the ofw’ ad ni manny v., one liners ni justice secretary, ‘hindi ako tatakbo sa 2010′ nga mga hirit, welcome sign sa emergency room, unreferred referrals from various hospitals, no philhealth-no admission policy, ’puno na ang amon hospital’ ideology, celebs and other hospital VIPs, korupsyon 101 sa tertiary hospital, 800 patients in a 400 bed capacity hospital, karton beds, bp of 90/60 and an open ampule of nicardipine, hard crust POPs, epinephrine post mortem, morphine-ketamine-nalbuphine-meperidine in your fucking painless brain, relaks-relaks mode clinical instructors, chin up-breast out- know it all MDs, chin up-breast out PGIs, chin up JIs, casual-cho nurses- and- classified N1s acting like nurse trainees, nurse trainees contented with their status as trainees, random rubbish thoughts covering a suicidal hangover.

Us

tonight, it's all about
the two of us-

simplicity and complexity
cursing each other.

binding-

this moment,
this time.

making singularity
a memory pass

or a syringe
in use

colored
by the beauty

of blood.

Three Days of Fever

Day 1
I'm starting to feel the shiver
in place-
comforted by layers of blanket
and ice;
worsened by thoughts of sleep
and sleeplessness.
Day 2
I'm starting to seek comfort
alone-
imagining Royal Tru-Orange will
relieve this affliction;
fearing that plain water will
only make it high.
Day 3
I'm starting to believe the
worse is yet to come-
a febrile state in make belief,
that no paracetamol
can ever manage.

A Product of Imagination and Consequence

The walls,
coldest of its kind
pierces your sight
in a different way
with barb wires
and moss in green-
embracing your soul.
Still you manage to see
beyond the usual,
and as the rays of
sun touches your chest
illuminating the scripted
letters (BSN-RN),
you remember that
in the not so distant past
you long for this day
to simply pass.

Cinema Nostalgia

here are some random eclectic movie lines that constantly flashes before me...

" I want to give you everything, but I am nothing".
"We have each other, that's everything."
-POLA X

"...some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there. "

- American Psycho

"Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here."

-Scent of a Woman

"It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something."

-Crash

"It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in."

-American Beauty

and yes, this last one is not only eclectic but also a haunting movie line as well...

"I care about my job sir, I care about you!"

-Caregiver

The Limbo

Too ill to sleep.

Too tired to stay awake,
but the sickness is on its way.

Sweat, chills, nausea.
Pain and craving.

A need like nothing else
I've ever known
will soon take hold of me.
It's on its way.

Orange Overdose

a bit tired, maybe
best not to say more.

bedways is rightways now.
hear angel trumpets
and devil trombones.

and you, are invited.

but enough of words,
actions speak louder than.
action now.

this would sharpen you up
and make you ready for
a bit of the old ultra-violence

IV Insertion

Prepare the patient
simulan mo ang lahat
sa pakikipagkilala at pagkilala.
Gather equipments
mahalaga ang lakas ng loob
at kaunting kumpyensa.
Organize Supplies
magkaroon ng sariling sistema
na susundin.
Apply tourniquet
iwasan ang sobrang paghihigpit o
sobrang kaluwagan.
Locate Vein
hanapin mo ang kanyang
mga kiliti.
Cleanse Site
panatiliing bukas ang inyong
komunikasyon.
Put on Gloves
maging maingat sa mga
personal na detalye.
Apply traction
tandaan na mas mainam
kung alam mo rin ang
inyong pagkakaiba.
Position Needle
isipin mo na lamang na
binibenta mo ang iyong sarili.
Insert Needle
idolohin mo si Joey Marquez
'bes fut always forward tsong'.
Advance the Catheter
alamin ang kanyang mga
ayaw at paborito.
Release the Tourniquet
paminsan-minsan bigyan mo
siya ng oras na mapag-isa.
Remove the Needle
subukin mong tanggalin
ang mga bagay na
magdudulot sa kanya ng sakit.
Connect IV tubing
kilalanin mo ang kanyang
pamilya at angkan.
Secure Catheter
mag-isip ka ng positibo
sabihin mo ito ng paulit-ulit
"hindi ako mababasted".
Clean Up
isaisip mo lang ang lahat ng ito
at humanda ka nang
pumorma at magpapogi.

pamangkot

can i really find sympathy between shit and syphilis?

dalawampu't kuatro anonymous

at muli kong sinimulan ang aking araw
sa panonood ng dvds
guin sulit ko naman ang
"When Harry Meet Sally"
i wanted to cry but Billy Crystal
was so pretty and Meg Ryan
was so funny...
sa pananghalian hindi kinalimutan
ni dadz ang all-time fave niyang
lechon manok sa turbo,
kag nadumduman niya magbakal
sang 3 in1 ice cream ala Ate Shawie
then the usual cake and coke
added the calories...
at natapos ang araw na masaya
nahugasan ang mga plato
and a passive family bonding followed
ngayon nga ay Biyernes, ika-16 ng Mayo
biente kuatro anyos na ko
and nothing really changed.

entries of tendencies

(two of my earlier poems, i still don't get it when others will resort to painkillers just for the kicks.)

Tracks


Scars define sadness and blame.
beneath those scars
are veins
waiting to taste
the sharpness of dependance.
flowing within those veins,
the blood
that awaits
pleasure and pain.
Your arms define sadness and blame.


Vampires and Painkillers


In darkness,
we find comfort
like lovers
lost in a dance.
your look,
piercing
your touch,
tempting
and I am thirsty
yet everytime
we feel the numbness
its like madness
that we long
for more.

ging-ging remembered

i remember you yesterday like a mother's day aftertaste...


flooded by memories of
exchanged text messages,
sugar cravings,
and your primate's addiction.

missing your smile and giggle,
our laughs,
and periods of insanity.

a reminder of closeness and friendship,
of silence, sadness
and passive warmth.


...and just like that i am again illuminated.

Graveyard

a makeshift cemetery for a dead van and rotten freezers lit my way this morning after another episode of nursing slavery in corazon locsin which was my first overall choice for the practice of my vocation which turns out to be another term for a painful profession which is universally termed by the unemployed as a social lie which is a bad thing because dishonesty is like eating a decayed chocolate cake which contains a lot of calories which you can easily burn by rendering four nights of straight up duty in a crap tertiary hospital which i'll always remember as my first overall choice to practice my dream job which can be rephrase simply as a draining state- the one you'll have after viewing a cemetery of junk and a stained dtr.

my goblet of rock

tonight, i'm raising it again

embracing the philosophy

of Dewey Finn,

the backdrafts of Jimmy Page,

and nightmares of Kurt Cobain.



tonight, i'm savoring it again

eyes-close,

hands- trembling,

ears- totally open.



tonight, i'm feeling it again

not as a nurse

or a trying hard follower

but a worthy demigod

in the making.

Theos ek Mekhanes

He pulses a familiar pain.
You picture a noose in front.


He ends your self made phase.
You still crave for pharmacy keys.


He lights your way.
You choose not to start a process.

(indi ko ka intyende nga-a kabudlay guid magsunod.)

underneath

before embracing the whole idea of this blogspot- expression of ideas, ideals and other senseless stuff of my everyday living- let me give you a glimpse of dormin. the following are some of my random thoughts about me, myself, and my surviving kind...

i'm 23, a below the minimum wage earner. a struggling public servant, a registered nurse by profession. so far, my life is a memorized routine.

i'm logizomechanophobic (computer stuff and technology in general triggers anaphylaxis) and agoraphobic( same is true with malls and public places)- but don't worry years of desensitization is finally taking its desired effect. my oil glands is still very active(and its killing me). i'm typically asocial and enjoys my singularity. i'm not good in starting and ending conversations. i only have two serious relationships( both were not that public and my second one is starting to shaken up "dopamine na lang gadala!"). i'm beginning to master the delivery of "its not you, its me" line. i don't believe in courtship but i do believe in the power of love letters and chocolates. i still dig the has-to-start-with-friendship drama. i'm old skul, part time melodramatic and full time melancholic. i love to entertain suicidal thoughts. i'm a bad liar. the best things and darkest things about me remains sealed and hidden. i'm good in keeping things to myself.

music and film fuels me. i too, as with jack black, hungrily craves for rock n roll 24/7. bob marley and kurt cobain are the greatest prophets. lourd de veyra is pure greatness. eli buendia is an honest artist swallowed by pop culture. pop culture can destroy anything. pop music will surely eat itself. i've watched 'a closkwork orange' more than any of my other favorite films. kubrick's, scorsese's, coen brother's, miyazaki's, and burton's all the way.

i labeled myself a pop rock poser once( never again).

skin tight jeans and miniskirts are the fashion industry's greatest gift to men.

stress is a good form of exercise.

nicotine and caffeine are two of life's cheapest form of happiness.

time really changes nothing.

wordplay and octane verses plus procrastination mix with my other psychotic tendencies drive my life. now that's a little too complicated, so this would be a prequel to the entries that will follow this so called introduction. lines coupled with other silly and ambitious poetry are to be expected (rules of grammar, spelling or redundancy aside). hope you will read between these lines.

by the way, dormin is just nimrod spelled backwards- a stupid name that i use for my ambitious exploits. nimrod is synonymous to a skillful hunter or an inept person. it's also the album title of greenday's 1997 punkrock release. you can also read it on genesis 10:8-9.

Pauna

mahirap ko mang unawain-
ang teknolohiya at lahat
natatakot mang ilahad-
ang kabuuan at lubos
inaalintana man ang-
kahulugan ng mga pahayag

nais kong sabihin:

'ito ang panimula
ng aking mga linyang
natatago at araw-araw
na nakakasalamuha.'